Welcome home 

Today is my first full day back in England and while I’m very happy to be home I have mixed emotions. Iv just spent three months living in a tent with teenage girls mentoring them on life and nature and having one of the best times of my life and now I’m back home unemployed at a cross roads that I’m not sure what to do about. This is leaving me with an overwhelming pit of anxiety in my stomach and heavy weight on my chest. I have always worked and whilst I was away I realised that i wasn’t fullfilling myself or my dreams because I was so caught up with paying my rent and making a living. This is obviously important but since I graduated I haven’t given myself any time to decide what it is I want to do and where I want to go nor have I gone for anything 100% out of fear of no money and failure. I am now so ready to go at the things I want with everything I have, I do not want to put off my life anymore beause of the electricity bill. Im not going to wait around anymore to have enough money to take a break from work and Persue what makes me happy. Canada was a life changing experience for me, camp kanawana made me realise that the way i was living was not right for me and was crushing me as a person. It also reignited my self worth and my trust in what I was put on this earth to do. Not everybody likes me but alot of people learn from me and the way that I am and I want to continue to do that.

Iv learned to just go for it and if I fall I have an amazing family and boyfriend who have supported me and will continue to support me no matter the outcome.

WE ARE BLESSED!! ( courtesy of Marcus and Lucas) 

Love ❤️ 

You give men a bad name 

I hate cars, i personally think our family has a curse when it comes to cars. They always breakdown when we go on holiday, we always have problems with our cars at the worst time and I am not an exception from that rule.

A few months ago I went on a spur of the moment trip to Brighton. Iv always wanted to go so off we went in the car. Low and behold 2o minutes into trip the clutch on my car hits the floor and locks my car in gear. I get it fixed with a cable tie and then have to drive it back to my flat through central London in rush hour. Let me tell you it was not fun.

Now I’m in Wales in a job and again my car breaks down in Manchester. I get towed all the way back to Wales after discovering my breaks have completely worn down even though I had an mot check a month ago. 

Today I have been to kwickfit to see the damage on my car after they did a free break check for me. After trying to get hold of them on the phone I went down to the centre to see what was going on. A mechanic took me to my car to see the damage and explain that they wanted to charge me over £400 to fix it. I am not a mechanic and I am shit with cars but my dad isn’t so I called and he told me they were having a laugh. I told the mechanic I couldn’t afford to pay for that and wanted to take my car home until I could fix it. What happened next has shocked me and made me mad that these people give men and mechanics and anyone in the manual labour industry a bad name. This guy turned around and said to me well you seem to be a prepared girl. Your prepared enough to have condoms in your glove box so I assume your prepared to fix your car. 

I’m sorry but why the hell are you in my glove box my breaks don’t live in there and secondly yes there are condoms in my glove box but that is none of your business to comment on especially in a manner that suggests I can fix my car if I’m prepared enough to have sex. 
It makes my skin crawl that anyone thinks they can talk to someone like that. Why do you think it’s okay to mention that to me? 

I am so bad at small talk 

I don’t understand it but for some reason I have no capability when it comes to small talk. I just can’t do it. People often come up to me and ask me how i am and how’s things and I can reply to them about myself but when it comes to me asking about them I just don’t and it’s kind of frustrating. The amount of People that think I’m rude is probably in the hundreds. I don’t think it’s that I don’t care it’s just that I’m not down to have a shallow conversation with some one just because, maybe that’s selfish or wrong but I like to talk about real things not just the weather or how my job is etc. I guess in that aspect I don’t care but I do care about the important stuff. I want to know how your really doing I want to know what really happened with your days and most times there just isn’t time to do that so I don’t entertain the generic response or guestions. Is that bad? 
Who knows 

Why don’t you like me

By writing this post I’m definitely putting myself in the firing line of other people’s opinions whether they choose to comment them here or keep them to themselves people will think one way or another about this.

Since the age of 17/18 I have noticed that not a lot of people like me when they first meet me, Wether it’s people I have come to work with, boyfriends parents or aqaintences that could be potential friends. I seem to give of a certain vibe that makes people think a certain way about me.

Recently Iv been thinking about this and Iv come to a conclusion. I am always my authentic self. What I mean by that is that when ever I meet new people I am who I am that day, I don’t put on a front. If I have been at work all day and customers have been really shitty to me and all I want is my bed then that is the poppy you will meet. I am never rude ( that I know of) and I will always hold a conversation but I won’t put on the act of a happy go lucky, life is just wonderful girl. I will be tired and a little bit pissed off but still grateful to meet you I’ll just be a little less energetic and maybe a little less tolerant of small talk. 

If people fancy giving me the benefit of the doubt after there first meeting me they will quickly learn that I don’t lie. I can count on one hand the amount of times Iv lied. I don’t pretend things are okay when there not and I don’t hide my happiness when Iv got something really good going on and if you ask for my advice the chances are it will be brutally honest. This is probably the second reason why people don’t like me. I must say though Iv gotten a lot more tact ful and gentle when it comes to the honest opinion and advice giving. 

Then I realised that actually a lot of people that seem to not like me don’t like me for the simple reason that they don’t know me. I am not a person that is the easiest to befriend and I am not the kind of person that can be friends with everybody and be social no matter what is going on behind closed doors ( let’s face it my doors are never closed) and I can’t really deal with bullshit and small talk. I need to have real conversations with authentic real people and have eye contact and feel free to be who ever I fancy being that day. I know that’s a lot to take in when you first meet somebody but if you don’t give them a chance to see what they are really about then you will miss out.

The reason why my friends do like me

  • I am fiercely loyal
  • I will always give you my best advice when you ask for it
  • I am too honest sometimes but it turns out it’s exactly what the people who choose to be in my life need
  • I won’t pretend that I’m okay or that we are okay if we are not.
  • I always give people more than one chance 
  • I am a great person to have a debate with 
  • I love my people with everything I have got

I didn’t write that list to toot my own horn but to put this into perspective for myself and for anybody else who feels like this. I am not the only one out there who is upfront and honest and feels like there is a lot of people that they come across that dislike them from the get go purely because they refuse to be something there not.

If you ask your self this question from time to time like i do think about the people who are in your life and why they are there and what you give them. Continue to be EXACTLY who you are and don’t apologise for it ( but don’t be rude then you need check yourself :)) 

I hope this has helped the people who are in my life that have only taken me at face value understand who I am and helped the other people out there like me know that it’s okay to be your true authentic honest self always!! 

Where is your compassion?

Iv been mulling over this blog post for a while because I wasn’t sure how to word what I wanted to say. I also didn’t know wether I should say anything at all because what I want to discuss is something that can cause negativity but here I go anyway.

Where is your compassion???

Living in London I walk past a number of homeless people on a daily basis and I witness behaviour towards them that really upsets me. In London and all over the country there are thousands if not more of homeless women, men and children/teenagers that have ended up on the concrete one way or another. 

How did they get there I hear you ask as you walk past them not acknowledging there existence. I don’t know and to be honest with you it isn’t something that is important to me when I see them sitting there not because I don’t care but because how they got there doesn’t factor in to why I help them when i can or why I feel all the emotions I do. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying I’m a saint and that I help every homeless person that I see because I don’t. Sometimes I don’t have the money to even though I really want to. Sometimes I don’t have the time to because I am late and sometimes I have no reason not to help I just don’t but what is the reason for people to treat homelessness like a disease. If you stop and chat to somebody who lives on the street you won’t catch homelessness you will more than likely get a wonderful chat with a wonderful human being that had some bad luck or made some bad decisions and had nobody to help them out when they needed it. You will probably get joy. So why do people no longer have compassion for these human beings. How do people walk past them in the street and not even bat an eye? How do people throw abuse at these people when all they are doing is sitting there quietly minding there own business? I understand that there may be a few people out there who aren’t actually homeless and are scamming money and there may be people who are homeless and are aggressive but most of the time from what I have seen they are people with not a lot of possessions to there name who hit a rough patch and just need some of your time and compassion. Why do we think is okay to condem these people with things like “they must be drug addicts” “they must be alcoholics” “they must have gambled there money away” it’s there fault that there on the street? How do you know that? And even if that’s true do they really deserve to live their life out on the streets? Do they not get a second or third or fourth chance like so many of us get? It’s not about what they have done and if it is for you then ask yourself what have you done in the past that you got a second chance for? Nobody is perfect and unfortunatly for what ever circumstances the homeless are homeless and just need a chance. They may need a pound,they may need food, they may well need your company even for 5 minutes to feel like they exsist.

I am 24years old and I worry about the world I am growing up into on a daily basis because of the lack of compassion people have for other human beings. We all came into this world with nothing and we will leave with nothing other than the love we have had and the memories we have shared.

So I will ask you again,

Where is your compassion? 

Pops x

A response to theatre etiquette 

Hello everybody 

Recently I was on the musical theatre society page on facebook and I came across a post that contained a poem about theatre etiquette. Clicking on it I was ready to read about the frustrations this person had had at the theatre or what they thought was the right thing to do when watching a show. Upon reading this  I found myself getting mad and this is why.

I am a theatre usher. For Six days a week and 8 shows a week I help the general public who are attending my theatre. I guide them to there seats, I tell them where the bathrooms are, I rip there tickets stubs so they can enter the theatre, I acquire booster seats for those who cannot see the stage as well as they would like, I make sure patrons have plastic cups not glass cups, I politely remind people that photography of the stage is not allowed and neither is snap chatting, I sell programmes and I ask people to not put there drinks on the ledge and again remind them that photography of the stage is not allowed. I contact box office to switch people’s seats if they are un happy with them and then I try my best to get the girl in the middle of the rows attention beause she is TAKING PHOTOS OF THE STAGE AND SNAP CHATTING!!!

That is my job and although not every usher in the whole of theatre land does this or tries to do this during there shift a lot of us do.

The poem in question was bashing ushers for not doing enough during the show when people were getting there phones out and talking loudly etc and said they had to ask them themselves. Now I’m not sure what theatre they were at nor do I know where they were siting but I can tell you this.

There are numerous factors that go into an usher dealing with these annoying situations.

Is the person easy to get to? If there in the middle of a row I’m sorry but there is nothing I can do unless you want me to climb over 15 people to get to them and disturb the entire dress circle whilst I’m at it. I’ll also probably stand on some one fall on some one and completely ruin there evening.

Ushers do have eyes and we see a lot of things, we also have radios and for all you know we have reported the situation and we are waiting for the interval to address it properly.

We have torches and yes we could flash our tourch in the culprits face but again that will disturb a good third of the audience And make us look like loonatics  flashing our tourches and waving and making hand signals that they probably won’t understand.

If there are people talking we do try to ask them to stop but depending on the people and the situation this can cause more harm than good. I cannot tell you how many times I have witnessed and heard of people getting rude and shouting at the usher and causing a scene during he show. Trust me it is not worth taking the risk.

Sometime it’s better for another audience member to diffuse the situation rather than an usher.

We do our best to remind people of the rules of the theatre but unfortunately  a lot of the time we are ignored and now there are things like snap chat it’s a lot harder to keep people from ruining the show. I don’t know when it became okay to film performances or take photos during the show or when it was okay to talk the whole way throughout either.

Any way the point is is that it is frustrating and annoying and tedious. Alot of people don’t follow the rules that are put in place at a theatre and a lot of people do not concidering other audience members or the performers when they check there phones and take photos and talk loudly and Russel there sweets through the entire performance and this is not the ushers fault.

Pops x

Staying conscious 

Hello 

It’s been a while,

I took a few weeks off writing Because I had some really great opportunities come to me that I wanted to give my full attention to.

Today’s post is something I have been thinking of writing for a while and today is the day I have found the words to do it.
I am somebody who gets anxiety.

If you are unsure of what anxiety is it’s a psychological disorder that effects many people in many different ways. I will link down below a website if you want to learn more.

For me my anxiety sometimes comes in the form of panic attacks but a lot of the time it comes in bouts of feeling like I’m under water, unconscious whilst being concious, awake but still asleep. It’s hard to describe but I am trying my best. I have weeks or months of feeling like this. I can still function, I still laugh, I still have fun and I still appear just like before but I am not. I am locked into my brain feeling nervous and on edge and obsessively thinking about things. It’s really hard to break out of this period in time and I am constantly trying to stay conscious. Recently I have been in this moment in time and I still am. I have to remind myself daily to stay awake to stay present to remember what I have done that day. During this time I cannot remember what I have done in full with my day. I don’t remember how I felt it’s like I have gone numb other than the constant reminder of my anxiety burning in my stomach.
I wonder if anybody else feels like this. If they get over whelmed and shut down like I do. Like I said it’s hard to explain and I hope I’m doing an alright job. 

During this time I want to sleep a lot. Not because I’m lazy but because I’m exhausted all of the time. My body and brain shut down and I need more sleep to function and the longer it goes on the more sleep I need. Iv tried many different things to keep my self conscious but so far Iv had no luck.

This may have been a bit of word vomit and I apologise if it makes no sense but I needed to write this for me. 

If you feel alone on your anxiety trust me you are not. There are a lot of people out there who have this and if you are somebody who has a person in their life who gets anxiety know that it doesn’t always form in the way you expect or have heard that it should. Sometimes it’s invisible sometimes it isn’t. Be kind and gentle and try to understand that It isn’t the persons fault and it doesn’t define them. They are not there anxiety it is just a part of there life that comes with them.

Love pops x

Mind.org.uk